Women and competitive behaviour
Whoever says women are not competitive and aggressive clearly has never been to any women’s clothing store during a January sale. Shopping during the sales is not my natural habitat and although I would consider myself to be reasonably competitive, in this environment the classification of total wimp could be legitimately applied. Negotiating the millions of shoppers in Central London or any other major city after Christmas to my mind requires full- on assault training and the wearing of S.W.A.T. style body protection. And this was before I knew that someone had been stabbed to death on Oxford Street on Boxing Day.
Covert or cat fight
Many women are competitive about their homes and their children’s achievements. Others are sexually competitive with other women for the men of their choice, and sometimes men they wouldn’t even look at once, let alone twice. They do it because they can. It is the ultimate “oneupwomanship”. They are competitive about their recipes. I have one French friend who will only give out her to-die-for “moelleux au chocolat“ recipe when one of yours passes muster. Needless to say, I’m still waiting! Women and competition occur in the same breath and activities as diverse as hairdressing, BMI, postal codes, gardens in egg cartons and the whiteness of their whites.
- So if blood could be drawn for a cut price hand bag or a pair of shoes, why are we much less competitive in the workplace?
Leora Tanenbaum, in her book Catfight, points out that women have always competed, but primarily with each other. Despite the assumption that women are “relaters,” she asserts that women are conditioned to view each other as adversaries rather than as allies. This is not to say that women and competition are mutually exclusive. Historically, there have been few arenas in which women could compete, so they have been forced to focus on the areas with which they are familiar. Being attractive, marrying “ well”, giving birth to strong and healthy children and creating perfect homes. Competition between women has therefore traditionally been less public, but playing out in full force nevertheless and not to be underestimated.
Derogatory connotations
The word compete is rooted in the Latin “cum petere” meaning ” to strive together“. Somewhere between the decline of the Latin language and the 21st century, being a competitive woman has taken on derogatory connotations. Two men slugging it out whether physically or metaphorically, becomes a sight to behold or feared, while 2 women, who are conditioned to put others’ needs first, doing the same thing, is regarded as a ” bitch fest“ or “a catfight“, with nowhere near the same gladiatorial status or even interest.
In Bittersweet, Love Envy and Competition in Women’s Friendships, Susie Orbach and Luise Eichenbaum describe the differences in male and female competition. Girls form relationships (the true meaning of ” cum petere” perhaps?), while boys are raised to assert themselves over others. “Whereas women search for self through connection with others, men search for self through distinguishing themselves from others.”
So is the woman who strives for success by being individual in the corporate world (a male behaviour), turning her back on the real meaning of “striving together” and putting her own needs first?
In so doing, she’s upsetting two apple carts at the same time: the first belonging to her fellow women by not playing the connect and support game as she should. And secondly the male cart belonging to the men who need to find a way to send her back whence she came.
But what women have to accept is that it’s OK to win and it doesn’t necessarily mean not collaborating.
Dear Dorothy – my fingers can’t type fast enough in response to your post. Competition, collaboration, and support are not mutually exclusive all the time.
In fact, by competing with others, many (women and men) better their individual performance. Sometimes we train together, share knowledge about fitness diet and shoes, to enhance performance, but on race day I will do my best to come in first place even If that means beating you, In fact, friendly competition on race day may boost individual record breaking performance for both of us.
So here’s my suggestion. If we, as women, can admit our competitiveness, the way men do, the less than gracious means of competing – underhanded, cat fights, back biting, etc. can stop, and we can all enjoy healthy supportive competition that helps us best our personal and group bests.
You wrote a terrific post.
Do I want to write terrific posts too?
Hell yes!
Thanks for continuously raising the bar and sharing along the way.
Hi Anne I agree! Women are overtly competitive in many ways outside the workplace (some listed in the post) but not always so openly competitive professionally, at least in the way that men are.
If women do step into competition mode it is also perceived negatively by men and women alike.
I’m not suggesting that women behave in the office the way the women are in the shoe sale photo, but I agree women should own their competitive natures in a healthy way and embrace the “cum petere” message of ” striving together. They need to leave behind the back stabbing, whispering behind hands, the killer stares and all the other “oneupwomanship” tactics we all are familiar with. Part of this is understanding that it’s OK to win! I agree, winning doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not collaborating.
I saw a post go by (can’t source it I’m afraid) that there is a positive spin off of having more women playing competitive team sports. They need to both collaborate and winning is highy visible (cum petere).
Hello there,
What a tremendously well observed post this is.
While its true to say that some women (as men) are more competitive than others, its also true to say that some are more conspicuously competitive than others!
A little healthy competition is normally quite overt and good for everyone. The covert stuff is quite damaging and puts me in mind of the playground psychological warefare girls wage on each other…”We’re not talking to HER!” There must be some deep rooted social engineering that has made us this way?!
I have been lucky enough to work in some environments that encourage the collaboration model and it is such a powerful thing.
Having said that, I have also worked in environments made toxic by inappropriate and underhand tactics of the most competitive. I have also experienced the “competitive friend syndrome” which is quite painful if your motives are altruistic and are largely guileless…O I have learnt.
Thanks for the great observations.
Hi Ellie – thanks for your comment and kind words. Women are masters of covert competition. Until they are able to self advocate and openly compete with a view to “winning ” , without being negatively judged by both men and women (not necessarly a win /lose situation, but also win/win), I suspect this strategy maybe around for a while.