The 10 Commandments of Negotiation for Women

by | Sep 15, 2014

As part of the 3Plus Personal Development Month check out these The 10 Commandments of Negotiation for Women

10 commandments

The 10 Commandments of Negotiation for Women

Thou Shalt Recognize the Opportunity to Negotiate Something for Thine Own.

Whenever you have a decision to make with another person – going golfing or the movies, setting a fee, or buying a piece of bruised fruit at a farmers’ market – that’s an opportunity to ask for something more or different. That’s an opportunity to negotiate.

Thou Shalt Know Thine Own True Market Value.

If you’re like most women, you underestimate your market value by a third. Do your research (at glassdoor.com or salary.com). Characterize your job using male job descriptors because men make more money. You’re a consultant (male) not a life-coach (female).

Thou Shalt Start with Small Talk.

Negotiators who commence their bargaining session with small talk are four times more likely to close a deal. It creates trust and leads to problem solving rather than table pounding and ultimatums. You're good at small talk. Heck, you're great at it. Play to your strengths.

Thou Shalt Never Undercut Thyself Before Thy Bargaining Partner Can Respond.

Don’t say, I charge $500 but I’ll take $250. If your market value is $500, say it loud and say it proud. There’s a better than 50% chance your bargaining partner will simply say ok. If not, let him ask for the better deal.

Thou Shalt Play Tit for Tat.

Decades of research have proven that the most effective strategy for getting what you want is to open cooperatively (Let’s find a way for both of us to get what we want); retaliate proportionally if your bargaining partner betrays you (I’m disappointed with your response); and, return quickly to cooperation when your bargaining partner does (I’m glad you’ve decided to help both of us work this out).

If you cooperate with someone who is not cooperating with you, you will enter into a cycle of victimization. If you fail to forgive and return to cooperation, you will enter into a cycle of escalated conflict.

Thou Shalt Negotiate with Thy Friends.

Men take friendships and turn them into business relationships. Women take business relationships and turn them into friendships. And then we don't want to develop their business because we're friends.

Our tendency to value friendship over money is a good thing. Women are the species’ social lubricants. If you believe negotiation will harm your relationships, you’ll avoid developing business with your friends.

 

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The answer is not to stop making friends out of business acquaintances. The answer is to use mutual benefit negotiation strategies (let’s find a way for both of us to get what we want or need). If you give as good as you get as a negotiator, it will strengthen your friendships because you’ll be doing them a good turn, not chiseling them out of their last nickel.

Thou Shalt Offer Benefits Before Your "Ask"

When we ask powerfully for our own interests to be served, men and women alike will initially retaliate because self-serving crosses gender role boundaries.

Open the conversation with the benefit you’re able to bestow on your bargaining partner before you ask for reciprocity. Say, my proposal will benefit not only myself but also our company, our community, our work group, or my family.

Frame your “ask” as giving more than you are receiving and you will not upset your negotiation partner’s expectation that you’ll be generous rather than self-seeking.

Thou Shalt Refer to Thy Sisters.

When women reach wage and income parity with men, we can go back to ignoring gender. Until that time, refer business to your sisters. A rising tide raises all ships.

Thou Shalt Fearlessly Praise Thine Own Work

If you don't, who will?

Thou Shalt Take a Day of Rest

Because you’re already working 10% faster and 22% longer than your male colleagues before asking for the same reward.

 

This was post was originally published in Forbes

 


 

Victoria Pynchon Contributor
is an author, keynote speaker, and consultant whose work is dedicated to closing the wage, income and leadership gap for women. With her business partner, coach and adult learning specialist Lisa Gates, Victoria developed a transformational negotiation training program designed to take advantage of women’s known negotiation strengths and to avoid the sand traps of their weaknesses. Victoria has trained executives, managers and professionals at Intel Corporation, Qwest Communications, Warner Brothers Studios, Sony Pictures Entertainment, dozens of major international law firms, the USC and Pepperdine Schools of Law, the Anderson School of Management at UCLA and a diverse array of women’s organizations. The work of She Negotiates has been featured on NPR’s All Things Considered, the New York Times, CNN, the Wall Street Journal, and dozens of smaller news outlets.
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