I’m going to say it out loud finally! “Mama Mafia, treat me like a person, not a failed woman”
Dealing with the “mama mafia” is an ongoing challenge.
I don’t have kids. I don’t want kids. I’m not sterile. I do have (great) sex with my husband. I’m not trying and failing to have kids. I don’t want IVF.
But above all I don’t want sympathetic looks from the Mama Mafia, as if I somehow don’t have the brain cells to know when I am depriving myself of one of life’s greatest pleasures. My childless state should not make me an object for sympathy.
I do understand that having children is a procreative imperative. But today women have a choice. My choice is not to have children. This is not because I have been scarred in any way, or abused and neglected. I had a perfectly well adjusted childhood – or as near as possible for a child whose mother spent a period in a commune, and became a vegetarian light years before it became fashionable. I am not some avaricious career woman, out to stab men and women in the back with my killer heels, trying to get to the top of the career ladder. My husband is not cheating on me (as far as I know.)
The idea just doesn’t appeal and never has. My husband agrees with me, that’s why we are together. We have a shared value. I like being around kids more than babies. But I then do like to leave them.
This does not make me a bad/boring/limited/deprived person.
And for what it’s worth, the Mama Mafia don’t exactly up-sell the whole child experience. There is a Mama Mafia sub-text and shorthand for which non-Moms need a crash course on de-coding. We are slow to pick up on the look exchanges when a faux pas is made. The whole world has opinions on parenting anyway, as we saw with the Harper Beckham pacifier incident.
And of course there are never ending complaints about what kids do to their bodies, bank accounts, relationships and sex lives. It creates this club from which women who don’t have kids, are excluded both directly and directly. Directly is perfectly understandable. A mother and toddler group would not count as a must-have social engagement for me and I suspect I could make no valid contribution anyway. It taps into an unconscious bias that all women should want to have children when an increasing number don’t.
Over the years, I have become adept at fielding and ignoring backhanded comments from the Mama Mafia, about my childless state and I have developed a thick skin.
- “Your house is lovely, but with little xxxx we could never have a white sofa.”
- “You look fabulous – you see the advantages of having no kids!” (gentle lift of sagging breasts)
- “Going to the Bahamas ? Lucky you – but little xxx needs braces/college/summer school/re-hab”
- “You’re reading.. a newspaper.. OMG. I only have time for Burping Weekly” (longing look at NYT)
The Mama Mafia need to develop empathy. Today many women choose not to have children. Some can’t have them. Others have had sad experiences. Some have a different sexual orientation, which makes things more complicated.
So, please Moms, before you start on about your children, take a moment to reflect and find out what is going on for the woman you are speaking to as a person.
She is not defined by the state of motherhood or lack of. Neither are you.
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