What causes over-apologizing and why we should stop
Does anyone else think it’s weird that we needed a shampoo advert to show women what we should already have been aware of? Over-apologizing happens all the time for us. The Pantene You Tube video has been doing the rounds for over a year now. It successfully highlighted how many women, myself included, apologize constantly, for no apparent reason. These apologies seem to be subliminally linked to our perception of good manners and correctness and also as an automatic way of defusing tension.
Woman at a meeting: “I’m sorry – do you mind if I finish?”
Keynote speaker and conference organiser opening remarks: “I’m sorry, I need to refer to my notes”
Gender ambassador: “I’m sorry, this may seem like a stupid question”
Women tend to feel uncomfortable if they are anything but affirmativly supportive to others. Comedian and writer Amy Schumer suggested “It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for.”
These apologies are used in no-fault situations. They are frequently done to make the speaker seem more conciliatory and collaborative. They are superfluous to requirements, blur and even disguise the real message. Depending on the tone of voice used, “I’m sorry,” when laden with sarcasm, is passive aggression at its worst. Over-apologizing takes up prime communication real estate, with unnecessary verbiage and diminishes the impact of our contribution.
So what makes women do this and how can they break this habit of indirect and passive communication?
There could be deep and significant subconscious reasons related to low self-esteem and a desire to please everyone, all the time. The prefixes could also be self-programmed, reflexive responses, like self-placating mannerisms such as playing with our hair or a nervous cough.
You don’t need to know what causes something to change it.
- Become aware of when you are over-apologizing – in what sort of situations do they occur? Is there a pattern? Read: 10 easy ways to develop communication skills Do you have anything to apologise for?
- Reframe your superfluous language and remove the “sorry’s.” That’s right take them out.
- Be ready for some gender blow-back at your new more assertive self. Read: Assertive communication, 9 tips to avoid being labelled a bitch Women are caught up in the double bind of negative reaction when these conciliatory plactors are removed from our communication patterns.
Woman at a meeting: “Let me finish”
Keynote speaker and conference organiser opening remarks: “Welcome everyone”
Gender ambassador: “I have a question”
Apologizing can be necessary
There are clearly situations where responsibility has to be taken and a genuine apology issued. These will be at times when there is a real problem, issue or fault. If you have caused an accident, personal injury or other damage. Apologize.
You should not apologize for taking up someone’s time, pursuing a workplace enquiry or wanting to speak in a meeting.
It’s a sad thing that it’s taken a shampoo commercial to make us realize how bad this is for us and that we need to stop.
Learn how to create an effective success story! Knowing what you are good at it a good step to avoid over-apologizing. Join Dorothy Dalton for a 15 minute online coaching session Details HERE.