How to Get Others to Notice You Changed
You changed - now make it count
Marcia Reynolds gives 5 suggestions to show people you changed so they can examine their assumptions.
One of the most frustrating habits of long-time friends is how they see you as you were years ago. Unfortunately, managers and team members do the same thing, neglecting to notice you changed. Not only is this oversight frustrating, it can hinder instead of support your growth.
There is a tendency for people to create and then cast in stone a picture of who you are, what you like and don’t like, and what you will say and do in various situations. [Tweet "They don’t notice when your behaviour and preferences change."] Their static assumptions constrain your interactions and limit your opportunities.
Assumptions are normal bad habits
We all make assumptions. We have to size up situations quickly to determine if there is a threat. Also, there is so much going on in our lives that the idea of taking time to determine if someone has changed in the past week or two seems silly. [Tweet "It is easier to act on memories than to listen with curiosity to someone familiar."]
Because behavior is normal doesn’t mean it is good.
We should all develop a practice of slowing down and appreciating the people we know. When active, we change all the time as we learn, grow and gain new insights with age. We strengthen our relationships by letting people grow up.
Getting people to notice the new you
So how do you get others to notice the changes you’ve worked hard to make? I found a lot articles on the Internet telling people how to question their own assumptions, but nothing that teaches how to get people to question the assumptions they are making about you. I wrote the following five suggestions to help you fill in this gap.
You can use all five in one conversation or separately. They may feel awkward at first, but the behaviours will become habits if you practice them over time.
5 suggestions to show you changed
- Model the behaviour you want. If you want people to notice how you have changed, you need to acknowledge their efforts at changing as well. Duncan Coombe makes a number of good suggestions in his HBR blog post, See Colleagues as They Are, Not as They Were. Practice seeing people as if meeting them for the first time to discover what is changing or what you may have never noticed. In a previous post, I shared tips on how to shift from expecting to being curious. Not only will people appreciate that you notice what they are working on, it simply feels good to “be seen.”
- Be clear with your requests. If someone doesn’t notice that you have changed your preferences or behaviour, you can ask them to notice without making them wrong. For example, you could say,
“You are right that I used to like those things and acted that way. I’ve changed over the past year. Can I share with you what I now like and what I’m doing differently?”
“I agree with you that the way I used to handle these situations wasn’t effective. That is why I’ve worked hard to change my habits. Let me share with you the things I’m trying and the results I’m getting.”
“Have you noticed I’ve been (showing up on time, including people more in meetings, listening better, acting less defensively, etc)? I am working on changing my behaviour. When you don’t notice how I’ve changed, I feel as if you aren’t supporting my growth. I would appreciate if you would acknowledge the efforts I’m making to improve.”
- Tell the story about what prompted the change. Tell people what inspired you to change your behaviour. Stories make a stronger impression than just telling people what they don’t see. Your reason for changing will more likely change their mind than the fact that you have changed.
- Get them to talk about their own changes. Admit that you might not see the changes other people are working to make. Ask them what they are working on so you can notice and support their efforts, too.
- Ask for their help in your continuous growth. Sharing your goals and asking for their support might feel uncomfortable, but it is a good way to direct their attention to who you are today instead of what you did yesterday.
Let’s practice seeing what’s new in each other every day.
Originally posted on Out Smart Your Brain on 27th April 2016
Have you thought about your career? Have our Career Reflections Worksheets delivered right into your in-box and use the last days of summer to think about your next steps. Print them out in the old school way or keep them open on your phone. Use them as a guide to give your thoughts some structure.
Invest some time in yourself! Don't wait until it's too late!
[contact-form-7 id="26301" title="Summer is a great time to think about a Career Makeover"]
Found that interesting?
Learn more about our services
Make your dreams a reality with a professional evaluation of your career to date.
The evidence is in. More women in your company can deliver 35% greater financial returns. (Catalyst)
Dates for the Diary
23rd April 2019 at 1800 Podcast with Virgina Franco Executive Storyteller, Resume & LinkedIn Writer
25th April 2019 at 1800 EVE Programme, an initiative of Danone. Twitter Chat “Harnessing Positive Psychology for a Smarter Leadership"
Download and listen free podcasts
How to Create an Effective USP What is a USP? Our Unique Selling Point or UVP (Unique Value Proposition) is our key core message about where...read more
How to Rethink the Modern Workplace for Gender Equality New research shows that diversity and inclusion is a top priority for leaders. So why...read more
Menopause in the workplace In this podcast with Nicki Williams award winning author, keynote speaker and Founder of Happy Hormones for Life,...read more
How to Cultivate Empathy in the Workplace Nancy Milton, international business communications expert, keynote speaker and author, share some vital...read more
Taking Care of your COW Tanvi Guatam, international Personal Branding expert says there is a misconception out there that a personal brand is...read more
The importance of Hard Talk Dawn Metcalfe, author of Managing the Matrix and Hard Talk, shares with us tips to achieve the lasting communication...read more
When Does Female Rivalry Turn into Sabotage There’s a lot of stuff written on social media about female rivalry and competition between women. Some...read more
Goal setting tips to boost your career The happiest people are those that really love their jobs. Those that don’t, dread Sunday nights and...read more
Sexism: How to stage a Bystander Intervention in the Workplace In this power coaching podcast, we're going to tackle one of the questions...read more
How to Get Noticed by Head Hunters & Recruiters In this power coaching podcast, we're going to tackle one of the questions asked multiple...read more
Going International: Where are all the women! Why women are under-represented in international roles and what can be done about it.read more
Interviews need to be well designed and structured with diverse panelists. We have to consider the potential for double standards and double binds to prevent the interview traps for women.read more
A stressed workplace isn’t great for anyone, building support between you and your colleagues is essential. Here’s how to make it happenread more