Archive for 'Communication'

Asking For Help

I have a confession to make. I’m not very good at asking for help. There are probably a lot of reasons for it, none of which are interesting enough to dissect here. There was a time, though, when I thought it didn’t matter… that in fact, asking for help was a sign of weakness. And, it meant obligation. Besides, there was always that, um, rejection factor.  You know the one.

Lately though, I am learning that the weakness does not lie in the asking.  More likely, it lies in the not asking.

So, if you are like me and want to get better at it, where might we start?  Well, here’s what I’ve been telling myself lately:

Before asking for help, know what you need help with

In my experience there is never a shortage of people willing to help. In fact, helping is, I think, something that comes quite naturally to most human beings. Having said that, people who are willing to help should not be mistaken for mind readers.  Some may be super intuitive and able to discern what is needed without much discussion. But, most people will need some guidance and direction. The less specific we are in explaining our needs, the greater the possibility they will not be met.

Note to self: Be more thoughtful. Know what you need. Learn to express it clearly.

When you know what you need help with, ask the right people

It is one thing to know what to ask for. It is entirely another to know who to ask. This requires us to understand and appreciate others and what they might be willing and/or able to help us with.

Note to self: Ask your favorite computer geek to help you understand more about the Internet. Do not ask him to help you fix your leaky faucet. No doubt, he has one of his own at his house.

Accept what is offered with grace

Sometimes the help that is needed is advice, or another perspective on something we have been struggling with. When what we really want is validation and what we need, and get, is something different, it’s tempting to rationalize it away. The thing is, people who offer another perspective on a particular situation, (even if it doesn’t fit with our view of the world), are giving us an opportunity to think and do something different to help ourselves. And that is an offering not to be discounted.

Note to self: Say “Thank you” not “Sorry I asked” no matter what someone might tell you. A risk was taken to offer it.  Gratitude trumps disgruntlement.

So, what do you think? What benefits have you experienced from simply asking for help? What gets in your way? What is the value to you of getting better at asking for help?

Meet our Brussels Mentors

Meet the inspiring group of women who led the 3Plus Mini-Mentoring Event in Brussels on Thursday! They did a wonderful job and the feedback has been brilliant! THANK YOU! I am waiting for some more photos and will give you the whole story! I was honored to be the facilitator!

Overview:

• 200+ years combined experience
• 20+ different functions
• Every type of organisation from SMEs, public sector, private sector, international conglomerates, B2B, B2C, start-ups and as entrepreneurs
• Every type of personal relationship: married, divorced, widowed, single, with and without children
• Joined by a single common thread – a willingness to support other women in the pursuit of their goals

 

Isabella Lenarduzzi, Founder and Managing Director of JUMP: Isabella has 25 years experience as a social entrepreneur and expert in communication, event and conference organization. Her areas of interest include the empowerment of women, education, training, entrepreneurship, innovation and European integration (EU advocacy). Isabella established the European student fairs and is editor of 2 monthly magazines “Univers-Cité” and “Kampus” aimed at young readers aged 15-25. She has distributed the Student Welcome Pack to more than 1 million students across Europe. The annual JUMP Forum is becoming an international flagship conference promoting the advancement of women in the workplace.

Valérie Tanghe, Head of Sales Operational Support Belgacom: Valérie studied engineering at the University of Leuven where she graduated in 1995 specializing in telecommunication. She has worked in a range of positions in different companies gaining valuable technical experience, as well as business and management exposure. In her current role she leads a team of 50 offering a variety of specialized services to the Sales Forces. Valerie has also headed the “Woman and Engineering” think thank for several years, resulting in the launch of large projects (‘De Wereld aan je voeten’) designed to encourage young people, especially women, to choose science and engineering degrees.
Els Blaton, CIO AXA: 3 times nominee for CIO of the year, Els has a Master’s Degree in Physics from the University of Antwerp. Her early career was as a teacher and consultant, before entering the Financial Services Sector. Joining AXA in 2001, she maximized her complementary competences gained in IT, organization and banking, rising to the position of CIO of AXA Belgium and member of the executive committee in 2007. Here she tackles the challenge to make a fundamental transformation of the AXA IT environment and to direct the evolution of IT talent to prepare for the future.

Gay Charles, Head of Diversity Equal Talent Practice Odgers & Berndtson: With over 30 years in Executive Search, successfully leading and delivering top level management and Board searches, Gay has an in-depth company and functional knowledge across every industry sector, working on numerous cross-border, high-level searches for large international organizations in both the private and public sectors. She also specializes in Equal Talent with a strong network of top women executives. Gay is multilingual and has a BA degree in European Administration and an MA in European Humanities.

Ilse Haest, BNP Paribas Fortis Finance Transformation Manager: Ilse assumed her current role after 8 years of audit and M&A experiences at PricewaterhouseCoopers. Ilse has a Masters in Applied Economics at Antwerp University and a Masters in European & International Accounting & Auditing from University of Ghent & Göteborg (Sweden). She is also the first President to a newly-created network within BNP Paribas Fortis, called MixCity Belgium. This network is open to all, women and men, employees and managers, working within BNP Paribas Fortis, and has a clear goal: enhancing women’s visibility, and improving gender diversity at all levels in the Bank.

Staci Plopan, Global Account Manager Altera: With a degree in Electrical Engineering from Michigan University, Staci re-located to Paris 18 months ago to assume a global account management role. She has 10 years experience in the semi- conductors industry in the U.S and Europe and, very often, has found herself the only woman in the room on both sides of the Atlantic. Already an experienced mentor herself, she brings a valuable Gen Y reverse-mentoring perspective to the event.

Danielle Moens, Partner Femco: Danielle began her business career in a highly masculine and tech sales and marketing environment at Nashuatec, before certifying as a professional Coach at The School for Coaching and Leadership. In 2005 she decided to concentrate on coaching women and men in management, to empower them to build successful and balanced careers. She developed the training program, “Effective Leadership for Women” (followed by more than 450 women in Belgium in an in-company and open format). She is highly conscious of intercultural differences and the benefits of cross-cultural coaching. Danielle is passionate about Balanced Leadership and personal development.

Mireille Punt, Chief Corporate Controller Alcopa: Mireille has a long career in the B2B automotive sector in different roles but for the last 5 years has been a Finance Director covering different geographic areas: EMEA, Asia Pacific and Emerging markets. She has occupied her current position for 18 months after a long career at Cummins, a US multi-national. Her main responsibilities were in the area of business partnering, including strategy, business planning and analysis, budgeting & forecasting, reporting, analysis, etc., as well as the coaching and the development of staff. Mireille has never encountered any difficulties as a woman in a male-dominated environment.

 

Check out our Events Page!

Don’t miss…. the first European

3Plus International Mini-Mentoring Event   Thursday, March 22nd 2012,  18.00 – 20.30

Renaissance Brussels Hotel, 19 Rue du Parnasse, 1050 Brussels

Visit our Events Page to read all about it!

 

3 action points for 2012: The compliment that stopped the clock…

A Cultural Exchange
As the stranger put on her hat, I smiled saying “Sehr hübsch!” And the stranger smiled back, happy with the compliment. “Vielen Dank,” she replied with a laugh.

“Are you going to the airport?” she added in English.” If so you’re on the wrong section of the train; you need to be in the rear carriages…”

Now we’d just spent a fabulous day exploring Munich then met friends for a final treat of German hospitality – great wine, beer and a Bavarian speciality – pork shank. We were running on a very tight schedule to make our connection and had forgotten that the airport train divided! We got to the flight check-in with just 10 minutes to spare and in my book that is too close for comfort. Fortunately as frequent fliers we had little luggage, all our documents to hand and armed with magic smiles and politeness we moved speedily through security.

What is your MO?
Travelling the globe as I do, I’m constantly reminded of how kind and helpful people are; as it is really thanks to the lady with the hat and to my ability to communicate with confidence that we made our return flight to UK. That chance chit chat guaranteed that we made our flight on time, it kind of stopped the clock…

People work with different time scales and methods, you also have generation differences. Our son, Kyle who was directing our plans for that day, works very much more up to the wire than us. Perhaps for him it is part of the fun and an adrenalin kick. For us, last minute it is verging on stressful and does not allow for the unforeseen. I wonder what your preferred modus operandi is. Whichever method suits you better, I wish you well on your travels through 2012. In the meantime..

Tips for a successful year

Here are three action points to consider:

•  Allow regular time to savour the company of others,
•  Schedule farewell meals, business buffets and sip something special with people whose company inspires you,
•  And factor in extra time for serendipitous conversations with strangers. It could make all the difference…

Eilidh Milnes- pronounced “Ay-lee” – is known as ‘Captain Positive!’ She is a teacher turned motivational speaker, columnist and award winning author. She has two decades of training and coaching experience working with people from Aberdeen to Adelaide  in  multi-national companies.   She is married with two children living overseas. She is available to speak worldwide. Useful links: @eilidhmilnes LinkedIn Facebook

Listening to women’s voices

Does the tone of a woman’s voice on radio or television please you, surprise you or irritate you? It is widely believed by radio managers that the audience does not want to listen to a feminine voice.

I grew up among wonderful women, so the voice in my ear – the voice of wisdom, of joy, of sorrow, was always a feminine one. The voice on the television and the radio was mostly a masculine one. The measured sombre tones indicated something serious that we had to pay attention to. I can remember a teacher of mine (male) telling me that he would not be able to take the news seriously if a woman were to read the news. Shortly afterwards Angela Rippon read the news on national TV in 1975. She even went on to wow us all with her dance routines – a woman after my own heart.

On radio, the lack of feminine voices remains a startling one. The first ever Woman’s Hour presenter was male!  We are still under-represented today.

I have a fairly light voice and a distinct South London accent – I didn’t grow up thinking I had a wonderful voice. With one or two noticeable exceptions, the men in my life have always told me I talked too much, too fast, too loudly and with an unpleasant tone. The few times I heard myself on radio or tape, I sounded like a breathless seven year old (at least to me) and I felt I lacked gravitas and the appropriate tone. To me, the ideal feminine voice was the soft spoken low voiced Ann Nightingale

Lately I have realised that the feminine voice is a lighter voice and it is no good me trying to lower my voice and sound like a man. Maggie Thatcher did it with mixed results and it is not somewhere I want to be. I am Woman – Hear me Roar. I am not man (?hear me grumble?).

This year I have had the privilege of exploring women’s voices in a variety of ways. Singing in a community choir (Sisters of Soul), and recording a single with a ’flash’ choir Sisters Roar, has taught me that women have a variety of voices and that one way to be heard is for us to combine together. Our choir is made up of women with a range of voices – we do not sing the same notes, but we do sing the same song, at the same time in harmony with each other. We don’t have to have perfect voices to get ourselves heard.

Lately I have been spending some time on local and women’s radio stations. I found some fascinating women with fascinating things to say. I also found out I really am noisy! The voice of the world in my head is no longer male but female with its full range of tones. What is the tone in your head?

Annabel Kaye is Managing Director of Irenicon a specialist employment law consultancy. She recently gave a radio interview which included her favourite music. She joined Sisters Roar to record I am Woman in aid of three women’s charities is a member of Sisters of Soul will be singing at St Brides Church near Fleet Street in aid of charity (February 2012).

Negotiating: In Big Girl Panties

Who pushes your emotional hot buttons?

People who try to make you feel guilty? Yellers? Whiners and complainers? People who talk behind your back? How about bullies?

Here’s a method to help you negotiate, stay in your power, communicate fairly, and get what you want, even around people, behaviors, and situations that make you see red, want to throw up your hands, or stick your head under a pillow.

What’s your default mode in these situations?

Are you an avoider who blanks out or becomes placating when you speak? Do you hate yourself for not pulling up your big girl panties and dealing?

Or, do you get tough and aggressive? Are you contemptuous of women who act diffidently? Do you think, “Why doesn’t she pull up her big girl panties and deal?!?”

In either case, ladies,

Your Knickers are in a Twist!

None of those reactions will advance your objectives in a real or lasting manner. That’s the bad news.

The good news is you can learn to stay clear and keep your cool, even when everyone around you is losing theirs – by negotiating.

Yes, negotiating skills can help you do much more than increase your salary. They will help you in a myriad of other difficult conversations, both personally and professionally. Negotiation skills are excellent for helping you accept conflicting opinions without losing your ground, and staying focused and connected to others in the midst of chaos.

Negotiating The Twists and Turns of Life

One negotiating model I find particularly useful is “Triangle Talk,” outlined by Kare Anderson, in her book “Getting What You Want.” * I recommend it highly. It’s a simple, subtle, yet powerful three-step model.

I use it any time I need to build ground and come to agreement with someone whose views are different from mine and I’ve taught many clients to use it. When I directed the career center at a women’s college, I taught the seniors to negotiate. The negotiators received higher starting salaries, sometimes startlingly higher – and a huge boost in self-confidence.

The steps are:

1. Know exactly what you want. What you want is your guide and will help you stay focused on the issues (rather than emotions).

2. Find out what the other person wants and make certain they feel heard. This will build commonality between you and help you understand what’s really going on – rather than trusting your assumptions.

3. Propose action in a way they can accept. Bridge their interests, to your common interests (where you agree) to your interests (what you want).

It’s called ‘triangle talk’ because the steps form a triangular image you visualize whenever you want to remind yourself to stand your ground, while respecting the other person.

Negotiating will help you stay in your power when the going gets tough.

With practice you’ll realize that almost everything is negotiable, which opens the way to an expanded view of who you are and what is possible for you. You will no longer feel limited by people and situations that used to seem intractable.

Please share your experiences with negotiating, and books, programs and other resources you found useful in advancing your negotiation skills in the comments below.

* “Getting What You Want” is out of print, but you can find used copies on Amazon.

Phyllis Mufson is a career / small business consultant and a certified coach. She helps people build a bridge between their wildest dreams and their current situation. You can learn more about Phyllis here. and on Twitter where she is @PhyllisMufson.

 

I’m Fixing a Hole Where the Rain Gets in”….

“it really doesn’t matter if I’m wrong, I’m right….”

When was the last time you found yourself in a hole? How did it serve you?
The past two years have been a bit tough.  It’s a long story and I won’t bore you with it. But there is something here that may be worth sharing. Mostly, it’s about the times we find ourselves in a hole of some kind. What I mean is, we can be going along happily and then, bam, something unexpected happens to change it all… and not in a good way.

I call these times “holes” because to me, that’s what they feel like. Holes open up in all areas of our lives.  They are equal opportunity conveyances to the land of change where we arrive unceremoniously and unprepared and where our first response goes something like, “Oh crap”…or worse.

So there I was sitting at the bottom of a hole, panicking, and wondering what to do next. I had options.  We always do.  None of them were particularly attractive, except the one that invited me to have a look around and see what was there.

This is what I’ve found so far:

 Holes may be dark but they don’t lack opportunity

The truth is, if I hadn’t been in this hole, I might not have discovered how much I like to write.  And, with the exception of a dangling participle, or two, and some possible crimes against the laws of punctuation, I can write reasonably well. Also, from the confines of this hole, I have connected with some really remarkable people courtesy of Social Media, people whom I might never have met in my pre-hole days.  I’m learning from them, every day.  What better way to get out of a hole than to grow out of it?

I’m tougher than I think I am …I suspect most of us are

I guess we never really know what we’re made of until we are plunged into a dark place and challenged to rise to the occasion.  At first I feared my ability to cope with what was being asked of me… so far, so good.  I’m tough… but not unique in this.

Just as there are greener pastures, so there are deeper and darker holes

On the days when I feel resentful, or wishful, I’m often reminded of people who are in deeper holes and darker places than I will ever be.  From this perspective, being in my particular hole just doesn’t look so onerous and makes me feel a certain gratitude for being here instead of there.

No matter the dimensions of the hole, there is always light somewhere

Being here has made me think about what’s important.  There is love in this hole with me.  It’s a powerful thing.  Love, not duty or obligation, is why I stay here. And in this hole too, is the resolve to emerge a better person.

So “Fixing a hole”

Gwyn Teatro

Passion, boldness and quiet intention

I have never been described as bold.  I have never beaten my chest about anything; taken up placards in protest; or been found shouting my outrage for all to hear (except perhaps after a glass or two and only in the presence of my immediate family who invariably roll their eyes in sufferance).  For this reason, I thought myself to be a bit, well, wishy-washy.

When people asked the question, “What is your passion?” I squirmed just a little because my vision of being passionate had always included a kind of drum beating and extraversion that simply didn’t fit with my view of myself.

In recent years though, I have discovered that passion takes many forms. For me, it is called quiet intention.  I have plenty of that.

My quiet intention asks me to focus on leaving the world a better place than I found it.  I can be intentional about that.   I can, with intention and purpose, work with others to improve how we lead and how we are led.  I can, through my own intentional actions, promote love, kindness, empathy, civility and tolerance in my household, community, country and world.

I can intentionally support those who boldly go where no woman has gone before; applaud their courage, their passion and their sense of adventure.  And, I can be there for them when they are weary and need a little TLC.

I can stand my ground, with quiet intent, when others step over lines and trample that which I value most and those who are important to me. I can do all that, and more, and never raise my voice, carry a placard or pretend to be someone else.  I can lead, and follow, in service of my quiet intention.

The bottom line is this. Whether you are fabulously bold, quietly intent, positively passionate or something else, please know that there is room for all of it and know too, that this present world has never needed it more.

So tell me, what is it for you?

Gwyn Teatro

5 Steps to Raise your Visibility

I often hear women com­plain about their lack of visibility. They are not heard in meet­ings, not seen dur­ing a net­work­ing event, not noticed by their col­leagues, their boss, worse, not acknowl­edged for their con­tri­bu­tions, not given any credit, nor pro­mo­tion.

Here are five steps to raise your visibility

1. Reveal Your True Colors
2. Don’t Think Twice, Be Bold and Show Up!
3. Cre­ate Your Own Tribe
4. Find a Sponsor
5. Do the Work and be Per­sis­tent

1. Reveal Your True Col­ors.Lead from within. Develop your con­fi­dence. Build on your strengths. Ask for feed­back and get it! Take off your nice girl hat and be feisty, raw, wild and crazy! Com­mu­ni­cate clearly on what you do, where you want to go, who you are. Get your­self a per­sonal career coach and sev­eral men­tors. invest in your­self so that you are very clear on what value you can add to the com­pany, to your clients. Only then, when you have a clear sense of who you are and what you want, can you get it!Ask your­self, “What makes me unique? What value do I bring? What prob­lem do I solve? You don’t have to wear red stilet­tos… (no, Rox­anne, you don’t have to put on the red light…)Story Just like in The Red Shoes, an ancient fairy tale revis­ited by Clarissa Pinkola Estès. She shows us that there is a way to con­struct a life that is uniquely our own; a life made by hand. “In our cul­ture, we may travel life’s path in one of two ways: 1) in hand­made shoes, crafted with love and care accord­ing to the unique needs of the indi­vid­ual soul; or 2) in Red Shoes, which promise instant ful­fill­ment, but ulti­mately lead to a painful, hollow-split exis­tence.”  Wow…powerful…just think about it for a minute…
2. Don’t Think Twice, Be Bold and Show Up! If it seems pretty obvi­ous to you, just think of the num­bers of oppor­tu­ni­ties you missed because you just were not there! Strate­gic meet­ings, net­work­ing events, con­fer­ences where attend­ing is strate­gic for your busi­ness and your job exper­tise. Or maybe you were there phys­i­cally, but not really 100% present. Show up, develop a real pres­ence, here and now. Raise your hands in a meet­ing as Sheryl Sand­berg, CoCEO of Face­Book reminds us, “speak up and keep this hand up!” Push the door open and step in!
3. Cre­ate your own tribe become the VIP mem­ber of your very spe­cial club! Another pos­si­bil­ity is that you were not invited…You are not on that “spe­cial short list” of “50 most tal­ented”, “top 10 experts”, best CEOs/managers/consultants/bloggers in the world? Stop wait­ing to be invited to come inside. Stop star­ing with envy and angst at the shop win­dows, the cor­po­rate glass walls, the places where deci­sion are made, projects are cre­ated, ideas are given life, blood and flesh to. Make a list of the top influ­encers in your com­pany or top play­ers in your field. Get in touch with them and play with them! But remem­ber, before, you need to have pre­pared what you have to offer that makes you unique.
4. Find a spon­sor, bet­ter, be noticed by one and become remark­able! In How Spon­sor­ship Can Help Senior Women Break the Marzi­pan Ceil­ing (I love this image, just pic­ture your­self caught in a thick pink marzi­pan office space, just like Hansel and Gre­tel…), a great arti­cle from The Glass Ham­mer, you will find out how to get your own spon­sor. Be strate­gic. Be inten­tional about spon­sor­ship early in your career. It really does enhance the climb. Mentors can be a path­way to spon­sor­ship. Connect.“Spon­sors get you the key stretch assign­ments that allow you to shine.” Sylvia Ann Hewlett, Found­ing Pres­i­dent and Chair­man of the Cen­ter for Work­life PolicyBuild­ing strong rela­tion­ships with indi­vid­u­als above you, as well as your peers, can help make poten­tial spon­sors aware of you and pro­vide an entry­way into net­works of power.Ker­rie Peraino, Chief Diver­sity Offi­cer of Amex.(Note to myself: you can­not buy your­self a spon­sor in a shoe shop.)
5. Do the Work, have Faith in YOU and Be Per­sis­tent. It won’t hap­pen overnight. Vis­i­bil­ity builds up with time, trust and con­fi­dence, one step at a time. Don’t give up if you feel you’re not mov­ing fast enough. Don’t give up if you ever fall or miss one step. Embrace fail­ure and learn from it. Be kind with your­self. Keep show­ing up, tak­ing risks and explore the edges of your com­fort zone. Things will even­tu­ally come together for you.

Sing along!:

“And I’ll see your true col­ors
shin­ing through
I see your true col­ors
and that’s why I love you
so don’t be afraid to let them show
your true col­ors
true col­ors are beau­ti­ful
like a rainbow”.

It’s a Small Change To Your Job (devel­op­ing a strong con­fi­dence), That Makes A Big Change To Your Life!

Be A Lead­er­ship Braver, Now!

I’d love to hear how you’ve devel­oped your vis­i­bil­ity, what steps you took, how long did it take you, what obsta­cles you found on the road, what sort of help did you get too? Share the sto­ries of your suc­cesses and your fail­ures , true heroes and hero­ines’ journeys…

Women and Bad Language

Actually this isn’t an article on swearing; more of a reflection that when it comes to talking we women are damned if we do and damned if we don’t (No pun intended with the 2 low level profanities!)

I work with professional women all over the world and have a particular interest in gender issues, or maybe that should more accurately read: how difficult it is for the average woman to have senior career success in a world of work designed by men for men- which means all types of business behaviour which are rewarded are male types of behaviour. I think it’s a primary reason why lack of confidence is frequently cited as a reason why women don’t climb the career ladder as fast as men.

It’s a Man’s World

I have an exercise on one of my courses which encourages women to imagine their professional world had only been designed by women for women. How different would it look? Once you let your imagination riot all sorts of things become possible and not just about flexible working. Go on; take a few minutes to imagine that we could design a working world that only suited us. It really brings home to you how ‘male’ business is. Read more »

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