Archive for 'Relationships'

7 Steps to Unleash the Power of a Family Vision

I didn’t come up with the idea to create a family vision. One of my clients did. Excited about shared vision his team had created, Jack told his wife, Sharon, about it. And she suggested they create a vision for their family.

I was intrigued when Jack told me about it, especially when I learned his daughters were only six and eight years old. I asked if they had really involved the children in creating the vision. Jack replied, “Oh yes, we all sat around the kitchen table and talked about what we cared most deeply about and what our family meant to us.” They used the same process and principles to create the vision that I had used with his team.  That was 20 years ago. Since then, I’ve seen the power of vision help many families transform from being oriented around problems to being focused on their vision for who they want to be as a family—all kinds of families, as families come in all shapes and sizes.

Why would vision make a difference for a family?
There are all kinds of forces affecting our children today—many that are outside of our control. In our own homes, children can watch a war in another country in real-time. And it is difficult, even for us as adults, to tell the difference between what is real and the simulated violence in movies and on electronic games. The statistics are not good. In the United States, according to SADD, nearly three quarters of students (72%) have consumed alcohol (more than just a few sips) by the end of high school, and more than a third (37%) have done so by eighth grade. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, teenage marijuana and other drug use is on the rise for the first time in ten years. According to the National Crime Prevention Council, over 40% of all teenagers with Internet access report being bullied online.

In an attempt to support and protect their children, many parents resort to over-controlling and become was some call “helicopter parents.” Unfortunately this kind of parenting often leads to teenagers who either rebel or who don’t develop the resources to solve their own problems.

Other parents, realizing the futility of trying to stem the tide, just give up. This is not in the best interest of children either because they need consistent boundaries and guidelines.

Creating a shared vision with your children is an effective alternative.

Vision provides them with a strong foundation. It helps them know who they are. It gives them a base to test their decisions against. Having a vision is not just a picture of the destination. It also means having clear values that guide your journey. When someone is off-base, your vision can be used to hold each other accountable and get back on track.

7 Steps to Create a Family Vision

1. Set aside a specific time for the conversation. You can sit around the kitchen table or somewhere relaxed, but make sure you can each see each other.
2. Begin by imagining traveling in a time machine into a special future where your family is just as you want it to be. Imagine you are an invisible observer. What do you see? What does your home look like? How do you communicate with each other? What kinds of activities are you doing and with whom? See yourself and each other behaving in ways that are just as you want them to be. What are the underlying values that are operating? As you consider each of these questions, write in a notebook or draw a picture. (Drawing works well for any age, and especially with young children or those who are not as verbal).
3. Then each person take a turn and share what you imagined. Talk about what the family means to you, what you want it to be and what you need from the others. Follow the guidelines below in determining what to share: focus on what’s proactive, what you truly desire. The others should just listen. The only questions allowed are questions of understanding. The goal is to really hear each other; it’s not necessary to agree. That alone can be a powerful experience.
4. After each has shared, then have an open discussion on what you heard. Again, the point of this is to understand what each cares most deeply about, a vision is not a negotiation. Each person’s hopes and dreams are valid and deserve to be understood.
5. At the end of the open discussion make a list of the common themes. The vision should not include specific things like an iPad, a doll or a trip to the Grand Canyon. But it is helpful to consider the specific things that were mentioned and think about what they represent. Ask this question: “If you had that, then what would you have?” For example, a trip to the Grand Canyon might mean “my family does really fun, unusual things together.” That can go in the vision, as there could be a lot of creative alternatives that would meet that same desire.
6. Once you have the common themes, see what underlying values are implied. Agree on three to five and list those also. Give some behavioral examples for what each of the values looks like in action.
7. Now you have the basis for your vision statement. At this point, an adult can write a first draft. Once the first draft is complete, hold a second family meeting to discuss it and make any needed changes.

Guidelines:
1. Be proactive, not reactive. Focus on what you truly desire, not what you don’t like or want to get rid of.
2. Don’t limit yourself by what you make think is possible. You might believe you’ll be fighting with your sister the rest of your life, but for this exercise suspend all negative beliefs and imagine what you want, even if you believe it’s not possible.
3. Give yourself permission to explore, to dream. Be creative. Be playful.

Moving forward toward your vision:

1. Maintain the vision. As a parent, hold yourself, your partner, and your children accountable to the vision. If it looks like someone has behaved inconsistently with the vision, it is time to sit down and discuss what happened in terms of the vision. Set household rules and limits that are consistent with the vision.
2. Model the vision. The adults in the house must act as role models that demonstrate the behaviors consistent with the vision.
3. When you encounter tough times, revisit the vision. The vision provides a great frame of reference to have discussions without blame or finger pointing. It allows you to focus on what you need to do, rather than making people defensive.
4. Update your vision as your children grow. The fundamentals of the vision will not change, but some of the description will change as your children grow older. Revisit your vision as a family yearly. It’s a great time to review how things are going and to update your vision.

Jesse Lyn Stoner is the co-author of Full Steam Ahead: Unleash the Power of Vision in Your Company and Your Life (Berrett-Koehler, 2011). A partner in Seapoint Center, she works with leaders to create a shared vision for their teams and organizations. Previously she worked as a school psychologist and family therapist. She can be found on Twitter at @jesselynstoner and she blogs at www.jessestoner.com

Speaking Up about Speaking Up

Numerous articles of late declare that women need to speak up more, be better salary negotiators and push for more promotions.

As generalities go, I think there’s truth within those statements. However, that doesn’t mean women bear the sole, nor even major, responsibility for the wage gap between men and women or for lack of women in executive roles.

But we do have the responsibility to raise our voices. It makes our hearts and souls reverberate with the sounds of connection. It impacts the world.

I’d like to share my experience with speaking up during meetings in the workplace and in sitting on NGO Boards. Although negotiating and influencing at meetings is not the same as negotiating one’s salary, such meetings are fertile ground for improving negotiating skills and persuading others to do what you want and what you think is right. Read more »

Relationships are Worth More than Money: Why Networking Matters

Relationships are more important than money.

They are more important than your degrees and qualifications.

They are even more important than the power you wield because of your position.

Relationships give you connection, belonging, support and potential.

All parents want to send their children to the best school; not just for the quality of the education but for the connections they can make and the relationships they can build.

When you climb a mountain or take on a difficult project, the love and support of friends and partners gives you more than a hand up, it give you extra energy and ability.

And on line, building relationships requires more skill because there is no way of “bodying-up”.

What is bodying up?

The term comes from a special connection, Bill Potter. Bill is a business maverick and a friend coach. Bodying-up means, not just meeting in person, but really seeing the other person, reading their energy and vibes. Read more »

So, Where’s Your Female Magnificence and Power?

Even now in 2011, many female executives and professionals come to me because they’ve lost their sense of self. It happens when they imitate the behaviours of their male ‘pin-stripe’ counterparts,  believing the imitation is a necessary route to success, or because, unconsciously, they’ve swallowed and choked on male orientated paradigms and culture.

I have nothing against potent male proactive energy. It’s the distorted energies of dog eat dog, nod nod wink wink leg-ups, and bully boy aggression, overt or implicit, with which I take issue.

What a travesty for men. And, what a waste of a female soul and her magnificence when a woman emulates that which she was never intended to be. Why not instead, tap into powerful natural forces bringing collaboration and integration to the workplace. Read more »

How women are smart, funny and witty!

Stand up and be counted

I recently did my maiden stand up comedy gig.  The world of comedy is a difficult world for women since a lot of men still believe that women can’t be funny. Watch the Christopher Hitchens YouTube video on this subject! The women of my world have always been smart, funny and witty.

Don’t save the best till last

The men in my life have a word budget -somewhere around 1000 words a day. After that it doesn’t matter what you say they will swear you never said that. That’s why they never know about your mother’s birthday party, or take the rubbish out.

Women tend to use words like sonar – using sound to let people know we’re there. We often all talk at once and nobody takes offense.  It’s more of a ‘ping’ are you there ‘ping’ I am here.

• I once had a male client who told me “I hope we are paying you by the hour and not by the word, since we couldn’t possibly afford you”.

Men have traditionally told set piece jokes and dominated comedy. They hold the floor and everyone else listens. There is a format and everyone knows when to laugh even if the joke is not funny. It’s a bit like a board room really – there are set pieces and rituals and expected ways of doing things.

Women can be really funny but we tend to be less structured. That works fine when we are having a laugh with our friends, but not so well if we want to do stand up comedy.

You have to:

• signal it
• say it
• pause let them appreciate it
• then move on

The same is true when managing men.  I have worked with women who could not get them to do what they wanted and it turned out the instructions they gave were always after the word budget was exceeded.

Speak truth to power

Down through the ages men have despised ‘feminine chatter’.  I suspect it is because they zone out once their word budget is reached.  In my house that can be less than an hour after breakfast!

So, should we have some simple one liners about our success ready to fire at colleagues at appropriate moments?

Should we have little three minute slots for socialising with business colleagues who don’t really know us that give a hook line into the successes we want to be known for?

Should we use the silence to grow in power rather than fill it up with ‘pings’?

Last laugh?

It was a really great experience to watch my fellow comedy virgins go through a process.  The women who felt they had nothing to say about themselves or their lives slowly changed into women with a message and a focus along with a big increase in confidence for some.

I may have got the comedy bug – it was such fun working with these wonderful women. Wouldn’t it be nice if we women had the last laugh? Who’s with me?

by Annabel Kaye

Annabel Kaye is co-founder of and Director of Irenicon, a specialist employment law and HR consultancy dealing with the dark side of HR. She did her comedy challenge with Funny Women. She is a member of Sister Snog. She has a blog and writes for the Financial Mail Women’s Forum on “Balancing the Bump”. She loves to dance argentine tango or Savoy swing. She can be found on Twitter and LinkedIn 

Lunching on courage and connection

Standing up for yourself, stepping out as who you truly are and doing what you love. These are traits that “new conscious entrepreneurs” share – those individuals who are consciously choosing to let life lead them in all that they do and certainly, in business.

It’s not always easy. At times, it takes a tremendous amount of courage.

The courage to say “no” when your energy says, “uh-uh”, and your mind says, “But this is such a good idea!” Then the courage to say, “yes” when your energy is pulling you in that direction and your mind is saying, “What, are you crazy?”

The real key is to know how to make the decision that is correct for you.

That’s where connection comes in.

We can’t do things (read, “everything”, especially where women are concerned) all by ourselves.Being with others, thinking out loud, hearing their responses, can help us gain clarity.

Sometimes you get an invitation to something and both your energy and mind are in total alignment. Together they say “Yes.” So it was when I received the invitation to attend a  3PLus Women Worth Knowing lunch. The email said, “Come. This one is different.”

As I lay out the little gift boxes on the lunch table under the watchful yet playful eye of the Honkey Tonk Woman on the wall, I wondered what would be in store.

At 4 p.m. the last of us walked out again, into the beautiful sunshine, buzzing, beaming…. filled with encouragement, brimming with a sense of connection.

You see it takes courage for someone to be able to say to another person they’ve only just met, “I have an idea but…,” or “I want things to change and I haven’t a clue.” That authenticity and openness arrives when there is a sense of connection. Then intertwined in that connection, en-courage-ment comes back.

The power of networking, mentoring and sponsoring all came to the forefront in informal ways over that lunch, through conversation and laughter, shared experiences and discussions. Unconditionally; that was the gift that kept on giving, long after the lunch itself ended, through tweets and emails.

It takes courage to pave a new way of being and doing in the business world, particularly in this time of great change… to move from the old way of squeezing life into the bits left over after you’d finished the day at work to living a life so full and filled with energy that you can’t help but radiate.

A phrase from the lunch keeps coming back. “There are no words.” We were talking about the oft challenge of describing the real essence of what we do when we live and do business in this new way.

That was the lunch. There are no words to describe the real essence of that lunch.

I suppose it was the camera that captured it best. The open hearts, handshakes and hugs around the table, coupled with honest listening and opinion, as well as fun and some serious moments.

If you haven’t yet found the courage to say “no” to those people who drain your energy and to say “yes” to finding those with whom you effortlessly connect, please do. The impact it can have on your business and your life is untold.

Veronica Lim is a Cake Designer, “For When You Want Them To Know They’re Special.” She creates beautiful and delicious bespoke cakes for your branded events and gifts, and treats for the office. No Factories, No Preservatives, No Pre-made Stocks. Just Luxury Handmade Deliciousness, Designed, Baked And Packaged To Order – For You. 

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