Two Tactics People Use To Deflect Accountability
When women speak up about disrespect, manipulation, or mistreatment, they’re often met with a predictable set of responses designed to avoid accountability. Two of the most common are doubling down and DARVO, and they frequently show up together.
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I recently raised a point on a LinkedIn “influencer’s ” post about some disparaging remarks he made about a vulnerable demographic. Not only did he dig deeper to reenforce his message, he insinuated I had doubted his experience in his field and was attacking him personally. He then went on to question my own expertise on the topic and invited others to participate in the pile on. Which they did.
These are doubling down and DARVO tactics.
What Is Doubling Down?
Doubling down happens when someone is confronted about harmful behavior and, instead of reflecting or taking responsibility, becomes more entrenched in their position. Rather than acknowledging the impact of their actions, or even considering there might be one, they insist they’re right, repeat their behaviour, or escalate the conflict by pulling other people in when it morphs into mobbing.
The goal isn’t to resolve the issue. It’s to protect their ego, reputation, or sense of control.
For example, a woman might explain that a comment was sexist or demeaning. Instead of listening, the person doubles down: insisting she’s “too sensitive,” repeating the same behavior, or mocking her concerns. The original issue, the conduct, gets pushed aside while he focuses on defending himself. It also doesn’t have to be overtly aggressive – but can be subtly persistent and antagonistic, especially when there is a power differential.
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DARVO in Action
A related tactic is DARVO, a term coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a pattern in which a person:
- Denies the behavior or wrongdoing.
- Attacks the person who raised the concern.
- Reverses the roles of victim and offender, portraying themselves as the injured party.
In practice, this might look like a woman confronting a man about toxic behavior, harassment, or disrespect. Instead of addressing the concern, he denies it happened, criticizes her character or motives, and then claims he’s actually the one being treated unfairly.
Suddenly, the conversation isn’t about his actions anymore. It’s about how “mean,” “controlling,” or “unreasonable” she supposedly is.
These tactics derail productive conversations. Women often end up defending their feelings, memories, or credibility rather than discussing the original problem. Over time, repeated exposure to this pattern can lead to self-doubt, emotional exhaustion, and a growing reluctance to speak up at all.
For a deeper dive check out our DARVO Resource Hub
A Widespread Pattern, Not Always a Gendered Trait
DARVO and doubling down aren’t behaviours exclusive to men, people of any gender can use these tactics. But many women report encountering them specifically in situations shaped by power dynamics, entitlement, or gender stereotypes, and the two tactics often appear together. Social norms that discourage men from vulnerability, or that equate accountability with weakness, can make defensive responses more likely when their behavior is questioned.
Healthy communication looks different. It means listening without immediately becoming defensive, considering another person’s perspective, acknowledging harm even when it was unintended, and taking responsibility when appropriate. Accountability is not an attack, it’s a necessary part of trust, respect, and personal growth.
If You’re Caught in the Pattern
Recognizing DARVO and doubling down in the moment can help you stay grounded:
- Name it internally, even if you don’t say it out loud. Recognizing “this is DARVO” can loosen its grip, even in your head, so it’s important to recognise and understand what’s going on even if it’s unstated publicly.
- Don’t get pulled into defending your character. If the conversation shifts to your tone, motives, or “sensitivity,” it’s a sign the original issue is being avoided.
- Return to the original point, once, calmly. You don’t need to win the argument, you need to notice it’s no longer about what you raised.
- Document if it’s a pattern. A paper trail (texts, emails, notes, witnesses) can help you trust your own memory later, especially after repeated gaslighting.
- Disengage if it escalates. You don’t owe someone continued conversation once accountability has clearly been replaced with attack.
Naming these patterns doesn’t solve the problem on its own , but it can keep you anchored to what actually happened, instead of getting swept into a cycle of defensiveness and blame.
Have you experienced DARVO or doubling down when you tried to raise a concern? Save this post so you can spot the pattern next time it shows up, and share it with someone who’s been made to doubt their own experience after speaking up.
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